nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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