Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
