When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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