three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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