If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
