U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize