I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Randomize
