I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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