Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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