Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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