i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
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