I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
