party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
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