My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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