My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
