I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
