yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
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