I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize