JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
