I CAN MOONWALK!
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
