Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
