my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
