Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Also, beer. Big fan.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
