Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
