he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
