The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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