Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I have aggressive nipples.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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