my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
