Did you just see the Batmobile???
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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