Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
