my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
