Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
