Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Everclear isn't food dammit
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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