More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
