I wish my penis had an off switch
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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