Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Randomize
