after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
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