John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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