A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
