Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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