Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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