I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I did not marry a roomba.
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