Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
