Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
