you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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