you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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