I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
