its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
