you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
