So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
