Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
How naked do you want me to be?
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