I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
