Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Randomize
