No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
