I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
