i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
