Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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