Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
