My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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