I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
